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Ninja III: The Domination (Collector's Edition) (Blu-ray)
"You hear that guy you found dead was a professional Japanese assassin?"
"You mean you went all the way to my aerobics class just to tell me that?"

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Talk about working on your slice! (Thanks. I'm here all week. Don't forget to tip your waitress.)

So, yeah: another day, another ninja assault on a golf course. Everything seems to be going according to keikaku with this assassination, but it turns out the cops around these parts aren't so much the type to dilly-dally. Before you can say "sayonara, sucker", a half-battalion of the boys in blue are out in full force. Despite emptying an entire military weapons depot worth of ammunition into the guy, this nameless ninja still manages to slink away. Meanwhile, Christie (Lucinda Dickey) is a lineman for the countyMetro Telephone (and an aerobics instructor, but that's not really relevant right now). In the wrong place at the wrong time, Christie spots this gravely wounded warrior from afar and does what she can to help. The ninja isn't looking for a Band-Aid and some Neosporin, though; his spirit wants a new meatsack to hide out in. Every so often, the ninja's ghost possesses her body, exacting vengeance against the cops who gunned him down dead – including ::gulp!:: Christie's hairy new boyfriend, Officer Billy (Jordan Bennett).

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Oh, Ninja III: The Domination...! You had me at "Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo's Lucinda Dickey is possessed by a vengeful ninja's ghost". With a log line like that, do you really need to suffer through a full-length review? You're either in or you're not. Lemme sweeten the pot, though. We're talking about a ninja movie where neon spandex is more plentiful than shozoku. There's an '80s-as-hail Jazzercise sequence, complete...[read the entire Blu-ray review of Ninja III: The Domination (Collector's Edition)]


Terminator Genisys (Ultra HD Blu-ray)
"...and then, right as Kyle Reese is being flung back in time – from the ruins of a post-apocalyptic future back to 1984 – the Eleventh Doctor grabs John Connor and is all, 'I don't think so!' And then a CGI Young-Arnie T-800 steals those punks' clothes at Griffith Observatory exactly like in the first movie, but then this hulking figure starts walking towards it, and the hoodie comes down an' it's a way older Arnold Schwarzenegger! So, you get some hot Arnie-on-Arnie action as the two of 'em start beating the shit out of each other, until Sarah Connor blasts the evil T-800 through its metal heart with a Barrett M82! Meanwhile, Kyle is half-naked and swiping clothes from a department store – he even grabs a pair of Nike Vandals, just like before! – only this time he's being hunted by a T-1000. And just when it looks like he's about to get skewered by those long arm blade thingies, an armored car busts through a wall, and Sarah Connor opens the door and says, 'Come with me if you want to live!'"

Blu-ray
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You might think that was copied/pasted from some cringeworthy LiveJournal fan-fic group, but nope...! Welcome to Terminator Genisys, or, as I'll pretend it's known outside of North America, Terminator Mega Dryve. Two hours of "hey, remember that part where..." and "wouldn't it be cool if...?" sensory overload and time paradoxes.

The first verse is the same one you've been humming along with for decades now. Civilization has all but been snuffed out by the sentient artificial intelligence known as Skynet. Machines of its creation now hold dominion, yet impossibly, what few survivors remain now stand on the brink of victory. Knowing it's been defeated, Skynet sends one of its Terminators back in time to kill the mother of the resistance's leader. End...[read the entire Ultra HD Blu-ray review of Terminator Genisys]


Satellite Girl and Milk Cow (Blu-ray)
KITSAT-1 has circled the planet for a couple of decades now. This aging satellite was launched to photograph the Korean Peninsula and to transmit audio recordings back to HQ, but it's no longer content to merely orbit and observe. That piano ballad by Ko Kyung-chun is just too much to resist, so down to Earth it goes, all in the hopes of a handshake and maybe a selfie with its favorite songwriter.

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Join the club, KITSAT-1! Kyung-chun is in hot demand these days. Not so much by the clubs where this struggling musician was trying to land gigs and definitely not by his longtime crush at the conservatory. Kyung-chun's heartbreak has transformed him into an anthropomorphic cow, so it kinda goes without saying that a twenty foot tall walking furnace is trying to roast him alive. It also won't be too much longer until that black marketeer who can teleport through mirrors and glass tries to suck out his liver with a plunger. (I mean, that is the least messy way to harvest organs.) Merlin the Wizard, who's currently trapped in the form of a roll of toilet paper, is doing his best to lend a hand...errr, embossed square. Between Merlin's magical cry of "toilet paper kleenex popee popee" and the Incinerator's own magical enchantments, KITSAT-1 has taken the form of a teenage girl. Some magical T.P. clothes later, and it's time say "annyeong" to Il-ho! She's not completely human – what with her boot jets, rocket-propelled right arm, and AC adapter tucked away in her back – but close enough, right? Closer than a moo cow, anyway.

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So, yeah, there are starcrossed lovers, and then there are Satellite Girl and Milk Cow. Writer/director Chang Hyung-yun could easily have coasted on this wildly surreal premise for his first full-length...[read the entire Blu-ray review of Satellite Girl and Milk Cow]


More reviews...

Stuff I've Watched Recently

  • 6/22: What We Do in the Shadows (Hdtv)
  • 6/22: Red Sparrow (Uhd)
  • 6/20: The Great Silence (Blu-ray)
  • 6/18: Tag (Hdtv)
  • 6/15: Ninja III: The Domination (Collector's Edition) (Blu-ray; Commentary)
  • 6/14: Ninja III: The Domination (Collector's Edition) (Blu-ray)
  • 6/11: Reset the Future: Constructing Terminator Genisys (Blu-ray)
  • 6/10: Terminator: Genisys (Uhd)
  • 6/6: Don't Kill It (Hdtv)
  • 6/5: Blade Runner 2049 (Uhd)
  • 6/3: Satellite Girl and Milk Cow (Blu-ray)
  • 6/1: The Superheroes (Hdtv)
  • 5/30: Shocking Dark (Blu-ray)
  • 5/26: Not Another Happy Ending (Hdtv)
  • 5/25: Young Victoria (Hdtv)
More of my boring video log...
 
Movies I've Acquired Recently

  • 6/19: Black Lightning: Season 1 (Blu-ray)
  • 6/17: Finding Dory (Blu-ray)
  • 6/15: The Greatest Showman (Uhd)
  • 6/15: The Shape of Water (Uhd)
  • 6/15: The Great Silence (Blu-ray)
  • 6/14: Ninja III: The Domination (Collector's Edition) (Blu-ray)
  • 6/14: Red Sparrow (Uhd)
  • 6/1: Terminator: Genisys (Uhd)
  • 5/24: Shocking Dark (Blu-ray)
  • 5/18: Satellite Girl and Milk Cow (Blu-ray)
  • 5/10: Black Panther (Uhd)
  • 5/10: Of Unknown Origin (Blu-ray)
  • 5/4: Gun Crazy (Blu-ray)
  • 5/4: Batman Ninja (Blu-ray)
  • 5/1: Mary and the Witch's Flower (Blu-ray)
More stuff I've bought or been sent to review...


 
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